Ugh

So I had my annual review. It only went... so-so. A couple good points and an hour and half of what I need to work on. It doesn't help that I almost had a panic attack in the middle of it. We talked about how I have to step up my efforts. A lot of my colleagues keep schedules that would kill me. Literally. It would be slow and gradual, but I'd end up hospitalized as I wore down my reserves and my already low weight slowly dropped. I did it in grad school, pushing myself to hard. It was bad. I dropped to 105 lbs. I started to look like those pictures tabloids put out under headlines of "Star X Anorexic?" The idea of that happening again terrifies me. It was a month of rest to get back to a healthy state. So now I'm disappointed with myself, embarrassed to have behaved like that in front of my boss and scared of my job.

The easiest thing would be to find a less demanding job, one that isn't tenure track. But there are things I love about my job. And I love this city. I don't want my fears to prevent me from things, but I don't want to surpass my limits, either. I'm shaky, exhausted and I still have to go into work. Really hating my life right now. My OCD is flaring big time, and I can't stop the thoughts in my head. I know I'll be okay in a couple days, but right now? Not so much.

ETA: Talked to my mom. Cried a lot. Called my psychiatrist's office, am getting referral for a therapist. Before I really do anything, I need to have someone help me figure out what my limits are.